If you joined my list after yesterday morning, sadly this email will make little to no sense. But I have to clear the air.
And it has to do with the email I sent yesterday. The only reason I'm even mentioning it is because fielding the backlash was like getting caught in drama between two gaggles of high-schoolers.
Some of you wrote in defending my honor against "the kangaroo guy". I appreciate it.
Others wrote furious hate mail about me though, sadly, not to me (one even implied I was a bad human -- lmao).
At least one was munching popcorn and gripping the edge of his seat eagerly awaiting what would come next.
In fact, I'm surprised #TeamTyler and #TeamDaniel aren't trending on Twitter.
Anyway, just in case it wasn't abundantly clear, yesterday's email "dissing" Daniel "Koala-Kicker" Throssell was a joke.
Well to entertain and appease you of course. Which judging by the response it did (I even heard a rumor we amused the Archon of Amusement himself, elBenbo). And I gotta say Daniel and I had some fun too.
But in case you are thinking, "still a dick move bro"... it was Daniel "probably watches anime" Throssell who came up with the idea in the first place. And when I sent him a few ideas for what I would say in my email, he asked me to add MORE insults aimed at him.
Probably a masochist that guy (he likes anime, remember?).
But, unfortunately in the eyes of history, the tale of the dueling copywriters ends here. Because though this "feud" was fun, I tire of it. I look forward to staying out of other people's newsletters for a while.
Which is why tomorrow we will be returning to our regularly scheduled programming.
The other day I got dissed.
Not just by one copywriter either, but by two.
The worst part?
These blokes had the chutzpah to diss me PUBLICLY.
It happened because email's number one villain, Ben Settle, broadcast some private comments made by Australian koala-kicker, Daniel Throssell.
Comments that indirectly disparaged me.
The truth is I didn't really care.
Ben Set-Troll knuckle-dragging his way to his computer to fire off insults at his "horde"?
It's to be expected. No reason to get mad.
In fact, I read the email, thought "Yeah, that's fair criticism", and went about my day more resolute to write better emails, study harder, and make more money. I was thankful for the energy. Always can use a good kick in the pants to get you going right?
But then a few hours later... that Daniel guy had to go and mess it all up.
What did he do?
Well let's just say that pumpkin-pie-hair-cutted freak just couldn't let well enough alone. So he hopped on his kangaroo, bounced to his Windows 2000, and let out a drooling "duuuurrrhhh" as he typed an email to his list.
And being a real gorgonzola, he cheesed the thing up.
You see, he was trying to "clear up the situation", letting his list know that he no longer felt that way, that he was happy to recommend me, and even praised my subject lines in the process. But you wanna know something?
I ain't buying the ass-kissing act.
I bet he's just embarrassed his private snarks got broadcast for all to see.
But nice try Daniel.
Why don't you go back to writing cutesy stories about your kids and nattering on about how little things in your life connect to important marketing lessons.
I mean, we get it dude. Your kids are cute. You're relatable. You like Japan.
But the true horror is lurking in what we don't know about Daniel.
Truth be told, for all I know, the dudes probably into anime or something (and you know what that means).
And yes, I will admit he has a very unique and interesting way of writing emails. But even if I didn't say that, he'll be sure to tell you (he loves to brag).
But don't take my word for it. Go ahead and read his "open letter" to make up your own mind:
Actually, you know what would be pretty funny? If you all piled onto his list as "spies", so that the next time he trash talks me, you can let me know.
If that's the case, there might be an email marketing ass kickin a-brewin.
And it might be sooner than you think...
In high school I knew a girl that we'll call Ali. (I'm changing her name for reasons you will see below)
Ninety percent of the time Ali was great. A totally cool chick. Laid back. Friendly. Down to Earth.
But the other 10% of the time?
She was wasted.
Which usually meant drinking herself into a delirious state. Which ranged between joking and acting silly... to crouching in the corner looking like the girl from 'The Ring'... to being a total sloppy mess tripping over herself with throw up in her hair.
What we in the biz call "white girl wasted".
And on one fateful night, Ali, I, and some friends were underage drinking at an 18 and up casino not too far from where I lived. And my friends, being the responsible (albeit incredibly stupid) high-schoolers we were, all went "buzzed" instead of drunk and even had a 100% sober designated driver (which in hindsight turned out to be a very good decision, as you'll soon learn).
All of us that is... except Ali.
Ali got in a drunken world of trouble deeper than I had ever seen. Slurring. Cussing at people. At one point she even started passing out at the blackjack table.
My friends and I looked at each other, and without saying a word, agreed we needed to get this mess of a human home before she sprayed like Shamu.
But then it happened...
Right when we got up to grab her limp, lifeless body and drag her away from the table, she began passing out HARD.
She began to tip... and once she started, there was no stopping that train. She fell closer and closer towards the guy next to her. All with a lit cigarette in her hand.
And then, falling all the way over, her hand hit his leg and she put her cigarette out on his lap.
I was amazed, tickled, and embarrassed all at the same time. I couldn't believe my eyes. But at that moment I knew we were in a world of hurt.
Because 18 and up casinos don't like underage drinking.
As soon as she did that, the security guards walked over and asked to see our IDs. We stupidly complied (only one of many mistakes for the night), and of course they said "the cops are coming" and refused to give us our IDs as well as blocked our car in with golf carts.
They were like Seal Team 6 compared to us, a group of cross-eyed teens.
And yes the cops came. They shamed us. Poured out our remaining booze. And made Ali call her mom (which was by far one of the cringiest moments of my life. I was ready to go to jail just so I didn't have to hear that Hallmark movie of a conversation).
But eventually the cops let us go. Again, we had a sober driver and knew how to fake respect for authorities when it helped us get our way (after all, we were teenagers).
So it was a weird night.
The weirdest part is, that wasn't even the most outlandish thing that happened to me that night.
Do you want to know what was?
I would tell you, but it wouldn't make sense here. Stories need context after all (maybe that's the lesson for today).
Let's just say that this thing I am teasing you about was a real knuckleball.
And if I ever do tell it, and you don't cry, you're a monster.
Allright, that was fun. If you're new around here, this is the part where I tie it all together:
If you are smarter than a group of cross-eyed teens drunk on tequila... and you want a "designated driver" to drive new sales into your garage... helping you earn a Hummer full of cash... and a police force of hot customers, rabidly chasing you down, interrogating you, and even beating you in order to buy more of your offers... head to the link below.
There you can enter your info, and if you qualify, you will be added to my waiting list and will be notified via email the next time I'm taking on a new client.
But first I should note:
There will be no drinking (I personally haven't been able to stomach the stuff in years). There will be no cigarettes. And there will certainly be no gambling.
But if you'd like to invest in copy that's an asset to your business, instead of playing all day in the paid advertising casino head here:
Remember Dog The Bounty Hunter?
The bounty hunter turned reality TV star that looks like a glam metal artist who moonlights as an A-Team mercenary?
You know, his theme song goes:
"I am the dog, the big bad dooooog, the bounty huntah..."
Well, one of the most fascinating parts of his show comes after he catches the criminal. Not the drama part, or the buildup, or the chase, or anything like that.
Those parts are cool.
But the real psychological entertainment comes when he actually starts talking to the captured criminal. Because he always positions himself as if he was on their team. He positions himself as their savior.
He'll say: "I'm tryna help you brothur. Go with Jesus."
All while sending the person to jail.
And truth be told, I do think he's trying to help them. But even if he wasn't, positioning himself as the savior is really smart.
Because when people believe you have their best interest at heart, they're much more likely to comply.
Whether complying means going to jail without a fight... or buying your offer.
So the more you can position yourself as "on their team" the easier your selling job will be.
Something to noodle on anyway.
And it's something I noodle on quite frequently. Especially when I hop on calls with prospective clients (which I have been doing a lot of recently due to a mountain of leads that have come in). Because my main goal when talking with prospective clients is to see if I can even help them.
Because if our interests don't align and I don't feel like I can be "on their team" helping them reach their financial dreams... what's the point?
Anyway, I'm not sure when I will be opening up spots on my schedule. Depends on when this feeding frenzy of leads dies down.
But if you'd like to be on the waitlist and get notified when I do take on a new client, head here:
Long ago when the skies were still blue and the rivers were made of chocolate... your pal Tyler LOVED to argue.
Ok, truth is I still do.
There's just something about taking a stand on a topic and having others try to intellectually tear you down. In fact, I'll argue one side one day... and the opposite side the next.
Just for sport.
But I've smartened up over the years. I've learned there are just some beehives that aren't worth shaking.
One of those is politics.
You see, politics is so interconnected with every facet of our lives... hitting such deeply ingrained wounds... that arguing over it is doomed from the start.
Why is it doomed?
Well, for starters, people make up their minds quite early in their life. They're not thinking through important topics every day, like whether capitalism or socialism is a better economic system.
And even though this ruins my sport of argument, it's actually a very good thing for humans.
Why you ask?
You see, if you had to recreate your principles every time you made a decision, it would take hours to do anything.
Heck — just going to the grocery store would be a battle.
Fruit Loops or Cheerios?
Vegan or Paleo?
Gluten or Non-Gluten?
Luckily, that 'tis not the question.
Because you've already made up your mind on what you like to eat. Which doesn't mean you can't change your mind. Or be uncertain. Or like both Fruit Loops and Cheerios.
People know what they like and what they don't.
Once you realize that, selling to them becomes a whole lot easier.
Because you aren't trying to change their minds.
You're using their "programming", that's already in place, to inspire them to take action.
Speaking of taking action:
If you'd like to discuss your next copywriting project with me, to see if it's something I can help you with, head to my waitlist at the link below.
When I have an opening in my schedule, I will send an email your way letting you know.
Every once and a while I'll get an email like this:
"Hi Tyler. I'm a writer on Medium and I wanted to share with you some of my articles..."
And then they go on to give me a litany of articles that I do not want to read on topics I am not interested in. Yet they do it with a "I thought you might find this helpful" approach.
To which I think:
No you didn't.
You know nothing about me and what I find helpful. You simply saw my name and emailed me hoping I would throw a few sheckles of attention your way.
Whenever I get an email like that, it is promptly ignored, deleted, and mocked with abandon.
But I do feel bad for the turds who resort to doing it.
If only those poor souls had read one of my articles. One of the articles that teaches you how to write better emails that people look forward to reading. So they didn't have to waste hours of their time pawing and panting at strangers like hungry puppies trying to lick the grease off of master's hands.
Woe is them.
If you'd like to get out of the cold email slaughterhouse and into opt-in hog heaven, head here:
Many moons ago I worked as an after school "specialist".
Which basically means daycare attendant.
Ritzy I know.
The job was hair-pulling tough.
It was at a school in a neighboring town with a lot of low-income immigrant families. Which meant many of my kids had single parents who worked all day and only spoke Spanish. Which meant they had poor communication and social skills and were often misbehaved.
To be honest, I still can't believe I got hired for the gig. Who in their right mind would lock me in a room with 30+ unruly 8-year olds and expect it would be anything less than a shit show.
Even still, it was an experience I would never trade.
Because no matter how stressed I went home at the end of the night, the next day when I showed up, the kids would yell "Mr. Tiger" and hand me a picture they drew just for me.
You don't know a happy tear until you experience something like that.
It taught me a lot too.
About how different our experiences are.
How our school's are failing our youngins, and the two or three most misbehaved kids ruin it for the rest.
And, most of all, how silly it is to blame.
Because blaming an 8-year old for throwing a temper tantrum (because he didn't yet have the verbal or mental skills to negotiate a better solution) is like blaming a bear for tearing apart your car because you left a slim jim in the console.
It just don't make sense.
And the truth is, we're all just wounded children in adult's bodies.
You may get mad when someone cuts you off in traffic...
But that's just a kid who never learned not to cut in line.
You may turn red when someone litters..
But that's just a kid who never learned to pick up after themselves.
Your blood may boil when a colleague leaves you waiting on info you need...
But that's just a kid who never learned to turn in their homework on time.
We're all just wounded children.
Once you understand that, it's much easier to forgive. Both yourself and others.
It's much easier to sell to people too.
Not in a manipulative way. But because you're speaking to them on a deeper level. You are speaking to that little child inside them that just needs a hug.
If you're ready to speak to your prospects like that, get your squeeze on here:
Recently I booted up my ol facebook to join a private group on there.
And against my better judgement, I joined two other groups led by "name" copywriters... both of whom are well respected in our industry.
This email has nothing to with them.
This email has everything to do with the deficits they let into their groups.
For example, one post was lady-chick asking "Which title from below do you like best for my new ebook".
Truth is... they all sucked.
But even worse, she expected sound advice on what title was best without giving a lick of info about the product... her market... her brand... or nuffin.
To add fire to the Voldemort-like flames, a few poor souls gathered the courage to give their two cents (more like half a penny each if you ask me).
On a hunch, I visited their profiles. And as my gut had predicted, they weren't copywriters at all.
One worked at Panera...
The other worked at a jazz cafe...
The lulz are real.
Anyway, if you're going out into the ethernet taking advice from "copywriters" on social media, stoppit.
Instead, hop on this deal I'm offering until tonight at 5 PM PDT only.
Here's the deal:
1) You email your list promoting my opt-in page (check the p.s. to make sure you qualify)
2) I give you one hour of dedicated critique/consultation time (30 minutes spent reviewing for our consultation, followed by a 30-minute consultation where I will walk you through the exact marketing or copywriting changes I think will make the most impact to your sales)
If you're interested, hit reply.
P.S. To make sure you qualify answer these questions when you contact me:
1) Do you have a list of business owners?
2) How often do you contact your list?
3) How big is your list?
Now hit reply.
So I was playing around in my Google analytics... looking at search queries and such. And much to my amazement, at the top of the list was...
(If you are wondering why my website would rank for such a term, I once wrote a subject line: "The happiest donkey-dingleberry gnat in the whole wide world"... twas a banger)
And while I am incredibly tickled at the hilarity of the matter... moments later it dawned on me:
Who are the human spam folders that are googling "dingleberry picture"??
Ones who weren't allowed ice cream as kids I'd guess.
To make matters worse, this email you are reading (when I upload it to my blawg) will make me rank even HIGHER for the decrepit term.
That's how you know I love you.
I'm willing to risk dingleberry-kinksters sneaking onto my list in order to appease and entertain you.
It's a tough job. But somebody has to do it.
Speaking of tough job:
Until tomorrow, Friday 22nd at 5 PM PDT you can get one hour of my precious time in exchange for you promoting my opt-in to your list. Which means, you get one hour of my sincere attention on your most pressing copywriting or marketing challenge all at no monetary cost to you.
This includes 30 minutes of prep work, where I will analyze and review what you send me... followed by a 30-minute consultation where I will walk you through the exact marketing or copywriting changes I suggest you make.
To be totally clear: You must have a list of business owners to qualify. Preferably, a list with zero (or very few) dingleberry-kinksters.
If you qualify and are interested, simply reply back telling me 1) your market, 2) how often you mail your list, and 3) size of your list.
Good copy is invisible. Especially to the uninitiated.
In other words, the way copywriters push your buttons to make you buy aren't always obvious. They're beneath the surface. They can only be teased out by analysis.
Which is a good thing. You want your copy to be "invisible".
You don't want your prospect thinking: "Here he's using Cialdini's reciprocation... there's an appeal to authority... there's the scarcity play..."
You want to blend your logic, image, and emotion so that each word propels your reader towards the sale without them even knowing why.
Or as John Carlton put it: "You want them sitting there with their credit card smoking wondering what just happened."
On the flipside, this "invisibility" hurts non-copywriters.
Because they try to emulate good copy without knowing what really makes it tick. And one of the biggest mistakes this causes is using too many adjectives.
Too many adjectives creates bloated copy. Bloated copy speaks in abstractions. Abstractions makes the reader work too hard to understand what you are saying.
None of which is good.
Especially because there are tons of ways to beef up your copy without relying on adjectives.
But the first step is to be aware when you're crossing the line.
Which is something I've trained myself to do.
On that note:
To get me on your team writing copy, click the link below: